Sunday, 6 May 2007

Fell off the wagon - hard

I was watching a West Wing DVD today, and Leo, explaining why his alcoholism was a daily battle, said, "I don't want one drink. I want ten drinks!" Well, that about sums up my relationship with food this weekend.

The way I was eating over the weekend, you'd never know that I'd managed to lose 43 kg over the last two and half years or that I'd developed healthy eating habits. I was a mess. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't upset. I just wanted to eat.

Lately, when this has happened, I've fallen off the wagon for a few hours, but managed to get straight back on. Not this time. I feel like I've been on the equivalent of a bender. After a disastrous Friday night, followed by an out of control Saturday, I ended up making a conscious decision today that I was going to just go with the juggernaut. I ate so much!

Anyway, now that it's over I've decided that I won't make food diary entries for Saturday or Sunday. I'll use tomorrow, when I'm safely in my work routine, to get back on the wagon.

It's hard to explain why times like this occur. I just really really wanted to eat homemade nachos on Friday. The problem was that my off switch was broken and I finished off all the ingredients instead of having the single serve that I'd planned.

I don't really know why I'm bothering to blog all of this. It's not like anything anybody else says is going to make me feel any better, so I have turned comments off for this post. I guess part of me hopes that writing it down will make it easier to deal with next time. I'm sure there are plenty of you who have great advice. Normally I'd really appreciate it, but not this time.

I've been thinking back over the weekend, trying to think "what could I have done to stop this" and the answer is really "not have nachos". Part of the problem is that you can't buy just enough ingredients for a taste of nachos. The problem for me is really the cheese. In general, I have a cheese ban at my house. I used to buy cheese slices, on the basis that they were a measured portion. That worked for ages, but then I found myself eating whatever was left of the packet whenever I fell off the wagon. I think nachos are an excuse for me to eat cheese.

I started Saturday well, but I fell off the wagon when I ate a savoury shape biscuit. I thought I could keep it at a handful but the packet was there. I ate the lot. I have a real "must keep eating until the packet is empty" mentality. I think it stems back to my childhood in a large family where a packet of biscuits was a rare thing. If you didn't have a second one when it was offered you could be sure that it wouldn't be there later. I ought to be over it by now, but I'm not. Usually I manage to handle it, but I didn't do too well this time.

On Sunday, I just didn't have an off switch. I was continuing on from Friday and Saturday. I guess by Sunday it had become emotional eating, because I was so disappointed with myself on Friday and then again on Saturday.

I've been trying to pick the trigger and I think I know what it was. It will sound silly, because it was really a positive thing that started the whole crash. I'm leaving my job at the end of the week, and I wanted a copy of a security photo that was taken of me in January 2005. It's only my face, but I don't have photos from that time in my life.

The guy who sent me the photo printed an A4 size copy of it for me, and the difference in me is so dramatic. I was really proud that I'd come so far, but I was also ashamed of myself for letting myself get to be so overweight. My friend brought the printout out to the social club bbq and so I found myself put on the spot, having to show it to people straight away, which I hadn't expected. I pretended to be okay with the whole "old me / new me" but I wasn't. I continued showing the photo to people during the day. I guess I worked hard to suppress the "shame" but my subconscious certainly wasn't fooled. The cracks showed on Friday night when I bought enough nacho ingredients to sink a battleship.

On the exercise front, I went for a run on Saturday. Not the long run I'd planned, but it was a lovely day and I was running outside, which is something I'm growing to like more and more. Today I just went for a walk. I was feeling too miserable to get off my backside and do anything more active. I knew it would make me feel better but I think I was wallowing in my misery today.

Well, I've had my "junk food blowout" and I've wallowed in it long enough. I'll make sure I think of my motto lots over the next few days: "I am a fit and active person, who makes healthy lifestyle choices."

Exercise plans for the week to come:

Monday - bike ride in morning, weights session in evening
Tuesday - outdoor group fitness session in morning
Wednesday - run in morning, squash in evening
Thursday - outdoor group fitness session in morning, weights session in evening
Friday - run in morning, celebrate last day at work
Saturday - rest day
Sunday - Mothers Day classic run, fly to Queensland on holiday on afternoon